Off the Road

Back from the Land of Enchantment after four or so days of slamming down bad food and one or two adult beverages. Oh, there was some golf, too. 27 holes each day in lieu of skiing (snow was mediocre and the wind howled the whole time). Some random observations:

1. I can't hit a three iron.

2. Some downhill putts in a mountainous area are actually uphill and, likewise, uphill putts can sometimes really be downhill. It's not enough that golf is an already thoroughly punitive and hideous exercise without also having to put up with this shit. Goddamnit, I hate the game. Bastard Scot sheep molesters!

3. God bless Texas and its 80mph zone on IH-10. Also, 75mph on US 285. In Texas, that is. Once you cross into New Mexico, it goes to 65. No wonder the state subsists on meager oil revenues, some coins from tourists, and unhappy Mescaleros running casinos here and there.

4. Saw Gov. Bill Richardson on tv a few times. Instead of hanging with the big dogs in Obamaland, his financial buffoonery has him running herd on a bridge project in Alamogordo. Poor bastard. Not even some nice parting gifts.

5. There are worse places than Pecos, Texas and Artesia, NM. I'll get back to you when I can think of where they may be. Career advice: if you find yourself living in Pecos (shot of suburbs shown at upper right), it's probably not going to happen for you. Ever.

6. Listened to around 15 or so lectures on Genesis during the road trip. My favorite story is that of Tamar and her father in law, Judah. Judah was a big deal and apparently employed his own goat herders and had his own private latrine hole. Anyway, Tamar's husband, Er (great name), eldest son of Judah, was smote by God because God was hacked off about something--doesn't say what. Could have pissed on a tent flap, who knows? Due to area law, Judah's next eldest son, Onan had to pork Tamar in order to provide an heir for the late Er. Onan, gladly agreed to the task and began pile driving the living shit out of the comely Tamar, but engaged in "seed spilling" or what we purists call "pulling out." Accordingly, God thought this was bad form, so he killed Onan, too. Judah, on the other hand, thought that Tamar was just straight up bad luck so he told her to keep her ass out of sight and live a widow's life somewhere, even though Judah had another son and had told Tamar that she could have a go with him once the young lad began sporting wood in the mornings. Well, many years passed. One day, Tamar got a glimpse of the youngest son and he had grown to a strapping young man with a noticeable bulge, obviously well equipped for close quarter diddling. She was ticked off that Judah had not lived up to his promise of a flesh injection so she began plotting a little payback. Apparently, she knew her father in law pretty well, and had him pegged as a horny old bastard. So, one day when he was making his way into town to watch over the sheep shearing or kick an Edomite or something, she positioned herself on the corner dressed as a whore, with a veil covering her face (you can get this outfit for the missus at Frederick's, I think). Judah saw her and offered her a goat for her services. "No, I don't have the goat on me but I'll get it to you." Yeah, sure, Tamar said. She was no fool and wasn't giving up the booty with some horse shit offer like this so she demanded that Judah leave his staff (the wooden kind) and signet as collateral until he could return with said livestock. Anyway, Judah pounded the disguised Tamar like there was no tomorrow and left. Next day, he returned with the goat, but there was no whore to be found and the village told him they ran a clean show and were in a dry county anyway and to get his sorry old ass out of town. Well, three months later, Judah got word that his daughter in law had been acting like a "harlot" and was pregnant. He knew damn well that she was bad luck and quickly instructed that she be burned, BURNED. Tamar then presented the staff and signet as the property of the guy who knocked her up and Judah got all red in the face and said she wasn't a bad girl after all and what a great piece of ass she was and damnit it all, I guess she's good enough and let's all just put this behind us and move on and do the country's business (Clinton knew his bible stories). The moral according to Jewish scholars is that Tamar represents Israel in confronting greater powers and overcoming them with intellect and the righteousness of their cause. I prefer to think the story reminds that you need to watch your ass when dealing with a woman like Tamar. She'll either kill you or at least take half of everything and you won't be worth a shit either way. Shalom.