The Oscars

Someone remarked that the Oscars event is the Super Bowl for women. That's probably about right, at least I had the same amount of interest in the thing as most (not all) women have in Super Sunday. So, I lounged in a chair reading a pretty dang good book ("Warriors of God" by James Reston) while looking over at the on screen happenings every now and then as the missus and daughter #2 were on couch #1 concentrating on the big game. I won't pretend that I'm not interested in acting and movies--I am. I'm even interested in the inane comments that frequently spew forth from thespians; their take on the world when they're not playing pretend for a living. It's worth it just for the rare occasions when they have something reasonable to say that wasn't fed to them by Hollywood's common wisdom machine. I'm also interested in anything worth seeing on the big screen actually shows up, so I can pay six bucks for popcorn. Not to sound like the grumpy old guy, but it's disappointing to hope for big things out of movies in production only to see the dismal reviews before they open. With that, here are a few random comments about last night's shindig:

I apparently missed Phoebe Cates on the red carpet. That's a shame because I relish the thought of a Phoebe Cates siting. Like many of my generation, I have never been able to perform any daily task like shaving or writing a check whenever the fleeting thought of the now Mrs. Kline and the pool scene from "Fast Times" engages for whatever reason. I just babble audibly and tear up a little.

Sarah Jessica Parker is hideous. She and that troll she's married to look like the king and queen of the zombie prom.

Hollywood celebrating itself is just plain embarrassing. If a bomb went off inside the theater, the world would lose ninety percent of its hubris and a shitload of carbon credits.

Are gays the current holocaust victims when it comes to Hollywood? Just asking. It seems like there is a big heterosexual guilt thing going on. I'd like to see a movie one day that depicts horrible gay people stealing money and maybe voting Republican and that kind of thing. Maybe also one where black people were really mean and Arabs were cruel terrorists and Democrats did some bad deeds--or maybe at least did not have halos. You know--a real world depiction that wasn't so predictable--hell, a gay person is entitled to be a despicable jerk just like anyone else. Until then, we'll just have to get by with rounding up the usual suspects: Nazis, and R's, and mean white men who refuse to let their sons dance, the bastards.

Some guy who just got an award for something went on a rant about gay marriage and for gay teens to be brave and stuff. Has this guy been to a high school lately? In case he doesn't know, it's not exactly unfashionable to be gay ANYWHERE in America. Hello?

There was a skit from that Seth Rogen guy along with James Franco that spoofed the "Pineapple Express" movie they did. I rented that recently and it proved that the best stoner footage ever done was Bill Murray's riff in "Caddyshack." Really, the stuff isn't that funny unless you're stupid and stoned.

Bill Maher is a fucking asshole. Hey, Bill, glad you're an atheist. How 'bout now shutting the fuck up about it? Who cares? Maher does more for Christianity than Billy Graham on HGH and bootleg Cialis. He's a no talent ass clown who thinks dissing God and those who engage in some type of belief system that doesn't center on picking up chicks half their age somehow makes him relevant. You suck, Maher and you never were anything but a cocksucking hack from the start. And I say that with the Lord Jesus Christ in my heart.

Sean Penn makes a big deal about decent people supporting gay marriage. He also says he's happy that we have a president who is "elegant." That's just grand, Sean. Now blow me. I realize Hollywood is highly pro-Dem/liberal or whatever and that's fine with me but still, people--are you only proud of your country when your guy is in office? Embarrassing.

"Slumdog" wins the best picture. I saw the movie and enjoyed it and thought it was fine and all. But, if Slumdog is your winner, that's pretty much an indictment of how overall crappy and watered down Hollywood has become. Slumdog should be in the category of a "good" movie if that town was putting out product. But, they're not. They sure can talk a good story, though. Just ask them about gay marriage.

Back to "Warriors of God." Richard the Lionheart is in Cyprus on his way to Tyre and then on to kick Saladin's ass. Richard has made a stop there because the Byzantine ruler at Cyprus quarantined one of his ships that was blown off course and stole a bunch of treasure and said he wasn't giving it back. Worse still, he was rude to Richard's bride to be. Well, Richard just wasn't having this shit and decided to kill the fucker but first took a vow to throw off his homosexual tendencies and had a religious ceremony where he gathered bishops and other fellow deviants to help him swear off that sweet, sweet man-ass. That's right, Richard the Lionheart, though engaged to a reportedly young and hot Spanish princette and pretty much a badass with the broadsword was otherwise a noted rump ranger and he and Philip of France were actually an item. From what I've read, Richard was probably the "top man" in the relationship and Philip, being a frog, assumed the "bottom" duties. Anyway, more to come and I'll have a review out after the thing is done. Until then, "Deus le Volt!" and hooray for Hollywood.