"President's" Day

Okay, it's something called President's Day, which means a lot of appliance ads in the newspapers with Lincoln's and Washington's picture. Oh, how proud they would be. For once, I'd like to see one of these with Millard Filmore's mug or Clinton or someone else. Hell, they were presidents, too. Today also means that most schools are out and banks close and people screw off and also probably screw.

I used to get bent out of shape that while MLK got his own day, Lincoln and Washington and the Roosevelts (Ted and Frank) and everybody else just get lumped in together. They were pretty damn big deals, too. Now, I just don't give a shit. Maybe president's day should be the one day a year where the president doesn't have to take any crap from anyone and can say whatever he wants. He could walk out on the south lawn or west lawn or east pasture or wherever and light some M-80s and drink Miller out of a quart bottle in a brown paper bag and yell, "Get some!" while aiming bottle rockets at the gathered press. He could call up Bud Selig and tell him what a dickhead he is and fart into the receiver and have Bud answer, "Thank you, Mr. President, may I have another?" He could light up a cig, stroll over to the ever present protesters outside the White House gates and grab his crotch before having some of his college buddies along for the festivities turn the water cannons on them. He could take a good country dump in the Rose Garden. He could walk around inside wearing those pants and shoes and that ugly ass shirt that his wife absolutely hates and could have "Caddyshack" and "Animal House" playing on a continuous loop. He could eat Dinty Moore Beef Stew right out of the pan and not rinse it out afterward. And, of course, the toilet lid stays up for the duration. Aiming optional.

Maybe in the future, we'll all be president for one brief, shining day. In America anything is possible.